SIMON GOETZ is a copywriter, but he hates talking about work. Let's talk about something else, like olives. Simon says fuck the ones with those dinky little pimentos. Simon doesn't go for any of those gateway olives, like the black ones that come in cans. He's about olives with pits, son. He likes the kind that they sell at expensive specialty stores, where white people buy their pink volcano salt. His favorite olives are those ones that look like big ogre eyeballs, because they taste like a sweaty woman after she's done 45 minutes on the elliptical at a gym with asbestos in the walls. Just watch out for the pits.